And You Said You Could Find Me Here.....

I've known for some time now that I had to get my tribute for the 2,996 Project ready by September 11th; I've even done research on the person for whom I am writing the tribute and tucked it aside because each time I look at it, I tear up...he was only 18.  But that story will be told on Monday the 11th, when I actually post my tribute.  I know that the moderators of the project have asked for some early tributes and I have seen some out there and am of course, shaken when I read them.  Do you know that there is one written by two little boys?  How amazing is that?  I would say, "how cute is that?" but I am not sure you can associate this with being cute, per se.  Anyway, I've decided to post mine on the actual date because I can't see anything else that would be more important for me to talk about on that day, really.  Yes, all problems are relative and life does go on even after tragedy but there are moments where one sits back and realizes that whining over having to eat five servings of veggies per day and not losing weight pales in comparison to what is going through the minds of the families and friends who lost someone that tragic day; for them, I don't believe that time will ever erase the memory even if they move on.

So, enough about that.....I want to tell my own September 11th story because it is more appropriate to tell it today than on Monday when I do my tribute.  So we all know that 9/11/2001 was one of the most horrible days in American History.  The odd thing for me is that 9/11/2002 is one of the best days in my personal history.  I find it dichotomous almost in the same way that with each death, there is a new life or how when one door closes, another opens.  The culmination of the personal changes that I had to make in my life in order to be a better person and stop living a life of utter crap and misery happened on that date, and it is not like I planned it that way....it just so happens that September 11th, 2002 is the day that the rest of my life as I know it today began....it's when I put the "bad Hilly" away and let the good one out to play.  It is the day that I decided that nothing in life was better than second chances and fixing my life and I headed home from my own personal hell.  I won't ever get less cryptic than that but sufficed to say, I left a bad situation and an even worse version of myself behind in another town and headed home to my family and to a new life.  As you can imagine, I always have mixed feelings on September 11th because while I sit and think about the tragedy that did happen, I also remember that just a year later, something great happened in my own life.  I guess all I can do is remember that life is cyclical.

Almost a year later, in August of 2003, Tori Amos was on her Lottapianos Tour with Ben Folds (he lost his five) in Phoenix (where we were living at the time) and Shawn and I went to see her.  At this point in time, we were still living in sin and only engaged ;).  I remember being so excited that I actually spilled coffee all over my keyboard while putting makeup on at my desk...it was my first Tori concert and well, I love her.  I specifically remember going into our bathroom and digging through drawers and cabinets then yelling out to Shawn and asking him if he knew where the packet of mini-tissues were.  Quizzically, he came into our bathroom as a frantic Hilly sat on the floor in a robe scrounging through the underbelly of our dual sinks.  I remember the conversation so clearly:

Shawn:  Why exactly are you looking for tissue for the concert?  Do you not feel well?  Are you sure you want to go?
Me:  Uh, even if I was dying, we'd go....no another reason.
Shawn:  What reason?
Me:  Nothing, I just want them. 
Shawn:  Again, why?  We can stop at Walgreen's but I'd like to know why.
Me:  It's almost 9/11....I know she is going to sing I Can't See New York since this is an added leg of her Scarlet's Walk Tour.
Shawn:  Uh huh......
Me: It's a song about 9/11 and I cry when I hear it.  It's like....a song recounting the last thoughts of a woman on the plane, so yanno.
Shawn:  Okay, we'll stop at Walgreen's; don't worry.

And we went.
And she did sing the song (listen here).
And I cried.

Today, as I have been gathering my data for my tribute, I have been listening to the song and totally bawling.  I don't mind because there is a part of me that really has needed to let out some emotions and I guess this is what is going to make that happen.  I don't know why we cry....is it because of the death itself?  Is it because it was so needless?  Is it because we feel for the families and friends of the victims?  Is it because we find it so hard to believe that a human being of any race or color could be that hateful in the name of God?  I think it is all of the above.  A friend of mine said he would not participate in 2,996 because he felt he had no right to talk about someone he did not know and that they should be remembered every day, not just yearly.  You see how we all deal with the mere thought of it in different ways, even though none of them are right or wrong?  My guess is that we do feel the ramifications of that day more than we know but we sweep it under the rug because no matter what, life has to go on in order to make this world a better place....and that, my friends, is about as damned patriotic as you are ever going to see me get.

Keeping It Real Kisses,
Me

Comments

[francesdanger]

I cannot handle 9/11 coverage. I try to avoid it if at all possible.

I was awake and near downtown OKC during the bombing. I felt its shockwaves, heard its sound. I saw the building both before and after. 9/11 brings back all those memories in a visceral way I cannot handle.

Oddly though I have already read some 2,996 posts and have been ok. I think its putting individual faces on those lost makes it more human and less overwhelming. I could never write one, but lots of respect to those of you that do.

[jessica]

Oddly, 9/11/01 was quite a life-changing day for me as well -- I got stuck in Detroit the day that the twin towers fell, obviously I wasn't getting on a plane! I drove the long-way-home to Mpls in my little rental car, all the while thinking about how much my life sucked (suck suck sucked) and how I was so fat and unhealthy and in debt and NEVER saw my friends and family because I was always working and always on the road, and how it's tragedies like this that make you reailze NOTHING is more important than spending all the time you can with teh people you love the most.

And that is how, as 23, I quit my very first job -- with NOTHING else lined up and nothing to my name but my lease and a mountain of credit card debt, and started figuring out Who Is Jessica.

So... there are a lot of things that make me sad about that day, but also a few that make me happy.

I can't wait to read your tribute!
~jess

[Jamie]

I will always remember September 11th as the day before Aaron had his surgery to remove his tumor. When people ask me why I don't get more worked up over 9/11, I have to remind them that I was more concerned with matters at home.

However, being at Ground Zero is a completely heart-wrenching experience. There is/was an art therapy project done by kids who lost a loved one there that day. It broke my heart to see a drawing with a little kid on a policeman's shoulders saying, "Daddy was my hero."

It still makes me sad.

[Aim]

I'm sure you already read my tribute. I wrote it yesterday because I knew I wouldn't get the chance today (family picnic) and then work sucks me in. The thing is...writing about my person was very difficult. I knew there was sooo much more about him as a person but unfortunately I couldn't find a lot on him. BUT what I did find was incredible. THat's why I posted his guestbook, etc. because I wanted people to read all that I found on him. THere are incredible sites to view on all the victims. I was amazed and of course did A LOT of crying yesterday. Just like you said, it was much needed to cry and I needed to for various reasons. Today I feel better but still have this feeling of sadness for tomorrow to come. Last night I watched the Discovery Channel and cried again. They were and I believe will have more programs on that day. Seeing the actual footage again...no matter when I see it...I can only pray for them and their families.
It's all so very, very sad.

[ms. sizzle]

tori is awesome (and short and tiny- i found that out when i met her and hugged her).

i'm working on my piece today. i've been putting it off even though i had done the research weeks ago.

i'm with you.

[Dagny]

I am with Frances on avoiding the 9/11 coverage. 2001 was a bad year for me. By October of that year I was truly depressed due to a number of things that happened.

2001 was also a turning point in my life. I know that I would not be where I am today if not for all the things that happened then and the decisions that I made.

[Amanda]

I always think of 9/11 as the day a good friend of mine woke up to her new baby and a world she didn't want to bring her into. A friend of mine did a tribute too, but I can't quite bring myself to do it. There's a certain degree of disconnect from the event that I'd rather keep intact for now.

Tori and Ben... mmmmm, does it get any better than that?? I've seen Tori twice and would jump at the chance again. I just happened to see Ben Folds last fall on a whim because the tix were cheap and he was at my college...it changed my life (because music does that to me, especially important, talented, non-pop music).

[christie]

Excellent post and fantastic song, too.
I'm definitely going to have to say something meaningful tomorrow, although I have no idea what just yet.
I really look forward to reading your tribute tomorrow.

[adena]

I already have my post up. Draining.

[Karl]

I don't know how much of the tribute thingies I'm going to read. You already know that I tend to avoid coverage of 9/11...one of the reasons why I didn't participate in the 2,996 thing. I'm a wuss, just can't handle it.

[kapgar]

Thanks for the story and the song. I hadn't heard it before.

[Kim]

I work on Wall St. and have a perfect view of where the twin towers once stood. It's surreal to hear the stories of my co-workers who actually saw this tragedy happen before their own eyes. I was attending Michigan State University when it happened and listening to people talk about it that were here, in NY, when it happened pales in comparison with what others around the U.S. experienced. I'm not saying it didn't affect others around the world because it was such an unfortunate historical event that it couldn't not affect someone. As I work in a corner office, many people have come in this morning to look at where the towers once stood, where now there is a gap left on this world forever. A huge American Flag hangs on the financial center and people all around are commenting on how this morning the weather is the same as it was that day.

Thank you for all the words you have said on your site regarding this, it truely is something that we as Americans should never forget!

[aly-wa]

Hil,
I wanted to say that you are not alone on the negative/positive of 9-11. I was a teenage single mom. I met and married an awesome man. He adopted my daughter. The day of the finalization: 9-11-02.

Hugs.