The Demon Realtor Of Fleet Street (TVMA-LV)!

Well shoot, I've been alluding to this stupid ass realtor lady for two posts now so I may as well post this and get it all out of my system!  I have to warn you that I am so flipping pissed that I may not be able to control the obscenities that come out of my mouth from this point on.  In fact, I'll just say it now....this woman is a Snatch-Sicle Douchey McDouchebag Whore and I am definitely putting her on notice!

Some of you may recall the event that started this all back in August, when our landlord suddenly decided that he was going to sell the place after offering an extended lease just one month earlier.  You know, that turned out to be "whatever" anyway because of the increased chaos in my personal life, nobody wants to be here past Thanksgiving anyway.  With that said, this decision to sell and have Cunty McWhoreface (henceforth to be dubbed "CM" for short) put her sign on the lawn and her lockbox on the front door started in AUGUST.  By the way, for those not in the mood to do that math, that is three fucking months before the set end of our lease. 

In any case at the time of this upsetting news, Kyra pointed me to a site that really detailed California Tenant Laws and from there I researched more.  It turns out that we in no way are obligated to allow anyone in to this house while we still live here and pay rent.  In fact, when CM put the lock box on the door, I went ballistic because I've heard horror stories of people just coming in while others are sleeping, showering, blahsy blah.  I called her back then and she snidely asked me to see things from her side, since it is a terrible market and I made her a deal.  The deal was that she had to put an addendum on the MLS stating that we require 24 hour notice to show the place and also require an appointment *time* to be scheduled as well.  In the beginning it seemed to be working out okay and only maybe 2-3 realtors a week were stopping by.

Suddenly last month it got out of control...the rabid realty rats would call on a Sunday at 9:30am and say that they'd be here in 10 minutes to show the property and I would be like, "uh no...you're not".  It got to a point where I would leave this long, embarrassing detailed message on the outgoing answering machine every day...stating whether or not someone could come in.  Then when nobody continued to follow the fucking rules of the compromise and when CM talked down to me with a murderous Texas Cheerleader Mom voice, I got out the Sharpie!  That's right...there is a tacky note on the front door that says, "House is not showing today.  Please do not enter!  [insert smiley face here to make it all okay]".  It started as a one day thing but I've not since taken it down.  HOWEVER, if a realtor calls and actually makes an appointment with me, I tell them to go ahead and come in and ignore the sign and so they show the place, etc.

So last night I get this voice mail from Cunty Snacthie McBitch Nugget (now she has more bad names) stating that she has had several complaints from people who are not able to get in because there is always an outgoing message or a note on the door.  Holy shit!  I've had that going on for over a month and you are just now bitching?  Anyway, so she goes on to say that she wants to have an open house this Sunday from 1-5 and that we have to let her do it because both she and the landlord want it to happen.  I never called her back because quite honestly I was waiting to calm down.  So I get another message from her today stating the same thing yet now saying that the landlord is going to write us a note saying that he allows it to happen and that as a landlord he has legal right to have an open house whenever he wants. Um, I don't think he does according to what I've read on CA Tenant Law, but please if I am wrong, someone correct me.  Don't worry, I won't bite no matter how irritated I am :).

Here's the thing....until November we all still live here.  In November, we're all dispersing.  Then she should have her open houses and leave us the hell alone.  I think she's used to walking all over these OC Milquetoasts but I am soooo not down with her clown.  She thinks the sugary sweet "Desperate Housewives" voice is going to work on me while she is knifing me in the gut?  Please. Does she think the words "legal rights" are really going to freak me out?  Double please.  One of the worst things about this is that I am getting worked up over nothing, or so it seems.  But you know what?  My life and my marriage are already in a huge disarray right now so having this take time out of what little peace I *do* get just chaps my ass!  Le sigh....I will probably let her do the open house on Sunday though just to get her out of my snatch for five fucking minutes.

And even worse?  This bitch called and put me in a foul mood right before Pushing Daisies! I will not let Cunty McWhoreface ruin my show...nope, not gonna do it! And here I wanted to post about my birthday coming up in two and a half weeks....guess I will save that one for tomorrow.

"I. Am. At. Disneyland." Kisses,
Me

ETA - Boy, Pushing Daisies sure can turn that frown upside down!

ETA #2:  This afternoon Shawn took this task from me because it was stressing me out and pissing him off and he is way more of a ballbuster than I am (hard to believe).  Funny that, he talked directly to the landlord who was fine and said everything is cool.  He also told the landlord what we think of the agent and what games she has played.  The landlord is like totally down with our clown and is not even caring about if we have the open house this weekend.  Which makes Cunty McWhoreface seem all that much snatchier to me cause she was lying about how upset he is!

Comments

[Dave2]

YOU WENT TO DISNEYLAND WITHOUT ME?!???

[RW]

Well hell, my b-day is within 1 week, stop by this weekend, I may have a birthday thing for you to try!

[furiousball]

you know Fleet also makes enemas

[kapgar]

If it makes you feel any better, "Cunty McWhoreface" as a concept makes me smile bigger than I thought would be possible today.

[Nat]

I love Pushing Daisies. Love it so I totally understand the frustration.

I am all about getting even. Could you call her bluff and say you are seeking legal advice about what to do about her harassment? OR pre-open house turn the place into a total sty. Beer bottles, pizza boxes... all that stuff? (Yeah, I know it's immature.)

Big Hugs.

[Lisa]

Oh don't even get me started on realtors and housing issues!! Grrr!!! But I would like to help you celebrate your birthday. :) Have you made your wish list yet?

[kilax]

What a stupid bitch - with no respect for you. It's a good thing you are getting out of there soon!

[diane]

If the CA laws are anything like the IL laws then you are completely in your rights.
The solution I recommend? Write a letter to the realty company outlining your rights as a tennant and how they have been in violation of these rights. Cite specific passages of the law.
I found once a property company was aware that I actually could quote my rights, they backed off real quick.
And you can always threaten to take them to court if it continues. :)

[Hilly]

Davey-Joe: Oh, I'd nevahhhh! There is an episode of The Simpsons where Bart is in an awkward situation that upsets him so much that he covers his ears, closes his eyes and keeps repeating:I.am.at.Disneyland, I.am.at.Disneyland" So I was doing the same thing...imagining that I was there and berry happy :).

RW: Yay for your birthday! I will totally stop by and celebrate with you. I am a huge birthday whore!

FB: Huh?

Kevin: Well then I've done my job well, yay!

Nat: Oh I have thought about doing all of those things but then the rental reference thing plays in the back of my mind. I will hit her up with the legal stuff though.

Lisa: I have and it's on my sidebar. But really I just want us all to have fun and celebrate more than anything :).

Kim: She really is. I had bad dreams about her last night, gah!

Diane: Thanks for the advice. I think that is a great idea and am definitely going to do it. Today is going to be "studying the law" day for me!

[Bre]

Perhaps it's because I'm a ... well... extreme bitch when people push at me like that, but I would slap the tenant law down on her desk and threaten to call the police if she enters without your permission. But then, your way may be, you know, nicer.

[sue]

I like Diane's idea. This bitch needs to be backed into a corner. She's had it her way toooo long. grrrrr. Go Hilly...Go Hilly...!

[sizzle]

"Cunty McWhoreface"- I really want to use this on someone. Soon. It's perfectly brilliant.

And I also want to say, "Hey, Cunty McWhoreface, get out of my snatch for five fucking minutes!"

I think it'd be reaaaalllly satisfying!

[g-man]

You should curse ALL the time. :)

[Rick]

Wow. Cunty McWhoreface is renting a LOT of space in your head! Kick the bitch out and change the locks! It's your right.

[Angie]

We could be birthday buddies - mine is in a matter of days...

Before I grew a spine and became a beyotch when it comes to my rights I lived in a rental where the landlords kept the majority of the security deposit to repaint and replace small things like the foil liners under the burners, which they should replace every time they re-rent the house anyway. I'm still steamed about my $200 and it happened 14 years ago!!

Stick to your guns and quote the law; realtors aren't that smart by and large so being faced with a recitation of the CA code will probably freak her out.

[Hilly]

Bre: My insides are duking it out because part of me feels that it is easier to just not fight and the other part is ready to be hateful, gah.

Sue: LOL, and she is a bitch at that.

Sizzle: Oh I wish I could say that to her in person. I can write things and be mean in theory but I have a hard time calling someone that to her face...mostly ;).

G-Man: You should just hang out with me in person then!

Rick: Yeah yeah, she is...but I'm showing the property on her ass now ;).

Angie: That sounds awful! I hate that you got taken advantage of simply because someone was sleazy!

[MB]

Apparently Cunty McWhoreface doesn't have a clue about who she is f'n with. (I really want someone to piss me off today so I can use that Cunty McWhoreface line - I love it!)

If the agreement was 24 hour notice to show - they need to give you 24 hours. Even using the new math, 24 hours never equals 10 minutes. F*CK HER! Tenants have more rights than the landlords in most states. Don't let that B*TCH push you around. Tell her she can have as many showings and open houses as she wants come November unless she honors her 24 hour notice agreement.

So, where's the b-day party?

Sloppy Mickey Mouse kisses,
MB

[Foo]

I saw the door note, I saw the door note, I saw the door note, I've heard the outgoing message...jumping up and down...let me at this CmcWhore...I will crush her with my false offer.

[Wayne]

Dangit, my heart rate went up just reading this. I guess I don't need to do cardio later on.

[Jeff]

Maybe you could leave little piles of dog poo all over your place as a welcoming gift for her. That ought to give her something to worry about.

[Kriss]

Tell her you need a copy of the MLS Listing and all the addendums & attachments for your meeting with your attorney. In 10 minutes.

Do you have an extra $100 floating around? Or can you charge it on a credit card? Because IMHO, meeting with an attorney would be the best thing you could do. In one short meeting, they can draft up a threatening letter about your rights, and send it to your landlord and CM.

[Kyra]

So, here's what I'm thinking... maybe she really doesn't KNOW you have the rights and SHE doesn't? Why not point her fucked up self to the CA Ten. Rights website? Might set her back about 10 paces and shut her the fuck up.

Then also tell her that november is only 2 weeks away and to give you a damn break already. Seriously. It's what I would do, because you don't NEED to cater to her open house. It doesn't benefit you, and your landlord screwed with you anyway.

Can I go to Disney with you?

[Dagny]

I could come down that way and slap CM. Or maybe key her car...

[Hilly]

MB: Yeah we are allowed 24 hours notice! The b-day party will be right here, November 4th!

Foo: Hahaha, that would be so freaking funny!

Wayne: OMG, tell me about it. I've been researching this all day. Plus Shawn is livid and wants to deal with it instead so that will just be wow...good times.

Jeff: Ya know, I'm thinking about that ;). The awesome thing is that there is a broken oven (yes I cook in a toaster oven) and a few broken drawers as well as a broken shower door that our landlord never bothered to fix, so yah...let them show the place.

Kriss: Thanks for the suggestions! It's a great idea but I don't think we're going to have to take it that far..I hope ;).

Kyra: Okay well I did search the State of CA DCA page and apparently a landlord can enter the property with the intent to show it to perspective tenants only with a 24 hour written notice, HOWEVER...this can only take place during normal business hours (like 8-5, M-F). I am going to add an ETA to this post in a moment though!

Dags: Yes, to all of the above. Oh and bring your oven mitts!

[Hilly]

FYI for anyone that finds this in a Google Search...you can find California Tenant Law here (if you need to narrow it down, you can search each civil code later).

[MB]

I want to come to your b-day party!! Too bad I'm thousands of miles away on the opposite coast.

I'll be sure to raise a glass in your honor on Nov. 4th.

Birthday cake kisses,
MB

[suze]

What they all said.

At least there's only a few more weeks until the end of the month - that's got to be something to hold on to :)

[Sueb0b]

I had this same sort of thing. I definitely surprised some folks when they were standing in my living room and I was walking out of the bathroom after showering and not hearing a knock or anything. I yelled as loud as I could (which is pretty loud BTW) "get the f out of my house. NOW NOW NOW."

Honestly I had forgotten the realtor bit and thought my home was being invaded by robbers.

[Laurence]

Ooooh, your birthday is coming up ??? :-))))

P.S. I was very busy... Now, i am just busy... But I still read you ! ;-)
P.P.S. Ooooh, it is brown... Halloween is coming up too !!! :-p

[lauren Plouffe]

You kick her ass. Tell her she can't show it til November, the bitch.