All Up in Your Hoobastank

Today is the first in a possible series of blog-swaps between Hilary and I. She's over at my blog (SecondHand Tryptophan) today and I'm here commandeering hers. Oh, and just who the hell am I? My name is Karl and I'm a professional polecat wrangler with a fish polishing service on the side.

Why did we decide to do this, you might ask? Well, I saw all the swankalicious babes in Hilly's sidebar and convinced her that a blog-swap would allow me to send out subliminal mindwaves to all of you and add more to my dungeon-full of concubines. Oops, I mean I told her it would be a marvelous way to embrace the diversity in our respective blogrolls. After much coaxing and a couple of roofies she was in like Flynn. She's probably freaking out my usual readers even as we speak. They're not used to anything remotely  intelligent at my house.

For a week now, I have been asking myself what I'm going to write about here at Snackie's World. You're all used to her finely honed wit. Many of you are also very health conscious, knowing Hilary from her weight loss efforts (WW and otherwise). I, too, am familiar with the ways of WW, believe it or not. However, I'm currently defying WW because I'm a rebellious moron. Anyway, given Snackie's reader demographic, I decided that I would write something about health.

WARNING: Just so you know, my posts can stretch on for a while and they only very rarely end like they start. In other words, I ramble on without any sense of continuity. Deal.

All Up in Your Hoobastank

By Karl Erikson

As I whirl and rattle along this mortal coil, I often find myself contemplating my advancing age and all the wonderful benefits that come along with it. My metabolism is certainly diminished. When I was 20, I could eat 40 gallons of ice cream and drink three cases of Pepsi every day and never gain an ounce. I was 120 pounds when I entered the U.S. Air Force. That's nine pounds over their minimum weight limit. I was ordered to eat a dessert at every meal during basic training because they feared I'd drop too much weight and get kicked out. Sadly, that is not a problem I have today.

My eyesight isn't what it used to be, either. Don't get me wrong, my eyesight has rather sucked my entire life. I first donned a pair of eyeglasses at 18 months of age. (Not a typo.) How the hell you figure out that an 18-month-old requires glasses is beyond me, especially given that it was *cough* 1968 at the time. And how you measure a child for glasses at that age, I don't know, either.

Doctor: "OK, Karl, now which one looks better? 1...or 2?"

Baby Karl: "Gah! Biggity biggity bop!"

Doctor: "Right. Let's try that again. Which looks better? 1...or 2?"

Baby Karl: "Gagga booga ice cream. Na na na na na na na na, Batman!"

Doctor: "Listen, you little shit. I'll put you in magnifying glasses so thick you'll burn anything you look at outside. Now FOCUS."

But the thing I'd really like to talk about today is hair. Now that I'm old enough to feel pervy for even glancing at 20-year-olds, I've got superfluous hairs all over the place. I'm pretty sure the hairs growing out of my ears are the equivalent of 20-gage copper wire. A woman is going to poke an eye out one of these days. (What, I like a little ear lovin' just like everyone else. Don't even pretend that you don't.) Sure, if I was in a Turkish prison, the ear hair might come in handy. I could braid them into an escape rope and climb over the wall. But otherwise...not too many uses for them.

I went for a haircut the other day and my barber took the buzzers and waved them all over my ears like a magic wand. She said, "I can't stand excess hair." And so now I'm in this really insecure hair place, because here's a woman who makes a living from excess hair, and she's telling me that even by her standards, I've got way too much follicular action going on. I mean, there's the ears and there's the nose. "Oops," she said, "gotta get those too," and she jammed the trimmers up under my nose. See what I mean? Now that I think about it, look at my knuckles and my toes. Shit, I'm turning into a freaking hobbit!

Then, as you would expect, I immediately got to thinking about my Frankenberry plumage. I recently read this blog post where the Queen of Spain was going into the various aspects of keeping her gojanga correctly trimmed and shaved. And there were all these comments from her girlfriends, talking about vagina shaving and the trimming and the bikini waxing and the Hollywood waxing and sugaring and Brazilianizing...the pros and the cons. All the methods of depilation for you glabrous ladies. Seriously, if you let the thatchery get too thick down there, you're just asking for all kinds of hygiene and odor trouble. You might lose jewelry or something. Then you've got to send in a search and rescue party, maybe call in a gardener or two. It can get embarrassing. And weedwackers can really hurt "down there." I don't know how I know that, but I do. It's best to look at trimming your yabbamango hair as preventitive maintenance.

Plus, these women were saying how most of them prefer the bald vajayjay because it adds to the sensitivity during, um, the meeting of the vajayjay and the Googenheimer. And when you get right down to it, who really wants to go pubic flossing when you're just trying to have a little fun on Mr. Toad's Wild Tongue Ride^tm?

Clearly, pubic hair is a hot issue. But nobody is out there talking about it on Oprah or the show of her ex-husband Dr. Phil. You don't see Cosmo or Elle in the supermarket checkout lines with headlines on the cover like:

Merkins: Why Should Whores Get all the Pubic Wig Fun?

Shave His Initials Into Your Pubes: Show Him You're Really Thinking About Him "Down There!"

Totally Hairless - Oh, So THERE'S the Clitoris!

If women are secretly talking about their pubes, then I just know they're talking about the men's hot zone, too. The blog post I read didn't mention women's preferences for men's plumage. And I have to tell you, as a guy, I don't give it a lot of thought. Granted, I don't have a girlfriend at the moment, so it's not a big deal. But when I do have a girlfriend you can be sure I keep myself tightly trimmed down there. No hair goes beyond four and a half inches. But could the old bait 'n tackle use a buzzcut? Or would women prefer my nethers with a Jean Luc Picard? A Googenheimer mullet? I don't know. I wonder if my barber would consult on this project? It's not like I can just ask people these kinds of questions. In my blog. But since I'm not on my blog...hey, what the hell?

Ladies, do you have a preference for your man's trichome arrangement? Short? Long? Bald? Shaved into whimsical shapes? Does it matter at all? Do you enjoy assisting your man in the trimming or shaving? And perhaps most importantly, why hasn't anyone started up a Pubic Locks for Love charity? Merkin lovers everywhere want to know.

Now, I'm off to grab my Fiskars and spend some quality tub time with me and my John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. Na na na na na na na na, Batman!

---

Thanks for reading, and thanks to the gorgeous Hilly for letting me play in her house. Next month, it's Karl & Hilly LIVE in California. For now, I hope you'll all pay me a visit over at my blog, SecondHand Tryptophan.

Technorati Tags: blogswap, blog swap, guest blogging, Snackie's World, SecondHand Tryptophan, wouldn't Dungeonfull of Concubines make a great band name?, aging, metabolism, just because you're 20 doesn't mean I don't feel like a pervert for imagining you naked, spectacles on infants, Batman, superfluous hairs, mutant follicular action, weaving ear hairs in Turkish prisons, if you really love me you'll tweeze all my back hair, depilation for dummies, no weedwackers for the yabbamango, don't go leaping straight for the clitoris, give me the Jean Luc Picard baby, Googenheimer mullets, Pubic Locks for Love, let's play who's got the merkin?

Comments

[Roddy Pine]

Hey thanks for stopping by , u have an awsome site, you also lost a lot of weight, good for you, I hope to be there one day.

Come esta la carne asada ?

Hey by the way is that comany ur hobby work Blizzard ( awsome if it is )

[beee]

Mmmm I feel like I have a hair ball in my throat ;) I think you may have to seek some professional help about this hair issue... maybe a barber? Or doggie parlour?
Great blog btw :) I love the idea of this swap!

[karen]

I was hoping you'd be willing to have "the talk" with my girls when they reach puberty. I think talking about bald vajayjays and Googenheimers will really break the ice. And hell, I need to learn about Mr. Toad's Wild Tongue Ride! I loved the blog swap! Thanks!

[Leslee]

Oh, Karl. You're going to get me fired from my job because a) this subject has me laughing so hard I'm crying, b) this subject matter is probably not appropriate for work and c) OMG, you've just got serious brass balls, buddy--visiting Hilly's site and talking about pubes. LOL!

OK, so I'm an advocate for the waxing of the vajayjay, although I've recently lost my kick-ass cooch-waxer to the world of cross-dressing pageantry. (and we will not speak of this travesty any more, as I am not looking forward to interviewing new waxer candy-dates) Anyways, so ladies, if you haven't gotten the waxing done, do it. Seriously, just trust me.

As for the male nether-regions, well, I'm not about a sasquatch kinda man, so a nice trimming every now and again is swell. Hey, I have to shave my legs and pits, so it's not too much to ask for him to do a little maintenence down there--although I will concede that the blunt cut of the hairs sometimes causes a little, uh, irritation, during "the meeting of the vajayjay and the Googenheimer" as you so cleverly put it. Eh, it goes away after a few days.

OMG. I'm still shocked at the subject matter, and even more shocked that I replied so freely.

~Les

[Chase]

Googenheimer? Frankenberry? Jingleheimer? Wet Wild Toad what?

See...I'm confused with all the terms here. Maybe you should give a demonstration at BlogHer?

[Karl]

Roddy - thanks for coming by. I'm sure you're meaning to compliment Hilary and not me. She'll be back around tomorrow.

Beee - thanks, that's a great idea. I've been thinking of dating a barber, but I really could be looking at dog groomers, too!

Karen - oh, absolutely. I'm really good at the "birds and the bees" talk. I usually start them out slowly with a bowl of popcorn and a copy of "Over The Stanky Hedge." Then we get into the giant pullstring Q-Tips for your yinyang and how all men are pretty much after one thing. By the time we're finished, your girls will never even want to disrobe again, let alone have sex. Parents love me.

Leslee - sorry to hear about your cooch waxer. That can happen.

I used to label some of my posts NSFW (Not Safe For Work for those of you out there not into the acroynms) but then I quickly found that most all of my posts are NSFW so I stopped with the labeling. I've pretty much branded my entire blog NSFW.

Thanks for responding so freely. Feels good to just get it out there, doesn't it? I mean, I wouldn't go waxing right there at work or anything, but still. So is it true that waxing isn't as painful if you do it often enough? I've actually gone bald a few times in my life, 66% of the time at the request of my girlfriend/wife. It's when the hair grows back that's the real bitch. Ugh.

Chase - Hey! Be happy to help clear things up. I believe my room # is going to be 6969.

[adena]

Dude....Hilly's going to KILL you for leaving those Technorati tags on her site. Google searches should get reeeeeeeeeal interesting.

Anyhow, NOW I see why you were so meticulously writing your blog entry ahead of time...

But, seriously? Googenheimer? Totally made me think of the Guggenheim museum. And, um....I honestly don't think modern art would be too favorable on you, after this post. Can you IMAGINE where Picasso would take your description of yourself, in one of his paintings?? Parents everywhere would be shielding their children's eyes in horror, and demanding a refund. :)

[Karl]

Oh, Adena, you really should get out of the nunnery more often. The Guggenheim long ago labeled my genitals as modern art. Don't you recall the incident in the early 90's where women were coming in with cans of spray paint and defacing me while I was on display? By the way, lest you think otherwise, paint thinner and the Googenheimer are not a good mix.

[Trish]

Well, definitely not a post I thought I would be reading this morning, but what fun!

Shaved, bald is good - nothing like having to clean your teeth afterwards or pull hairs out my mouth during...oh so sexy :P

[Kevin]

How do you come up with this stuff? You are one twisted mofo.

Me? I avoid the embarrassment of excess hairage by having my wife cut my hair. I know that she may make fun of that one ear hair that constantly grows back (only one, mind you), but at least it's not a relative stranger. Of course, with my hairline, "excess" hair might just be a blessing.

[Leslee]

Not only does it not hurt the more you wax, but also, the hair grows in thinner and finer. So, yeah, wax it.

~Les

Oh, and you're a BB fan? And you're in Texas? A man after my heart, you are. :0)

[Kyra]

LOL Cute post! You know though, you said you are old enough that looking at 20 yr olds can make you feel pervy, I think it's the opposite for women. For the longest time it was always "Oh for crying out loud, I could have been his freakin' babysitter! He's not cute, he's a freakin' toddler... what? He's 20? He's STILL a freakin' toddler!" I was always into the "more mature" man. ;)

I am finding as I age, that has been changing into "woooohooo! look at that 20 year old, all hardbodied, tanned....." *gasp*....What? (hey, I'm a personal trainer, I get PAID to pay attention to muscletone. AND I'm an artist, so I also get paid to pay attention to beauty and form... *ahem*... all professional, yep, that's me. *cough*)

About the shaving, you should look at this http://www.shaveeverywhere.com/ :) Foo Foo had it on her blog. It may help you with a lot of your questions! ;)

[adena]

Ha! Kyra...that link. I don't have sound on my computer, and I admit a certain feeling of dread when the guy walked out in his bathrobe. But, the visuals are extremely helpful when you don't have sound. Kiwi's and carrots....yeah.....:)

[Karl]

Trish - well, maybe I'm not "Good Morning, America." But I'll betcha Diane Sawyer often wonders about this topic and refuses to use her journalism degree to investigate.

Kevin - you hirsute individual, you!

Leslee - used to live in TX for quite a while. Now I'm in Florida. Oh yeah, and Snackie and I share the reality TV whorage gene.

Kyra - you perv. I like you already. And I tried that site but since I'm still on dialup it appears that I'll have to wait for a female President to get elected before I can view the damned thing.

[Kevin]

Karl, shhhh!!!! That's a secret!!!

One time at a family party with Katie's parents, she was sitting up on the couch and I was on the floor in front of her. She reached down and pulled a hair out of my head. I turned to her and said, "what do you think you're doing?"

"It was grey."

"It was attached."

"But it was grey."

"It could be green for all I care so long as it's firmly rooted to my scalp."

Her uncle agreed with my PoV.

[Kyra]

Wow, a compliment AND a pitch for a woman president! If you had chocolate, we'd have to bronze you! ;)

[Karl]

Kevin - Ha! Seriously, what is it with women pulling grey hairs? Men don't give a crap. When I go grey, I go grey...that's it.

Kyra - oh yeah, you're so into me. Husband is really feeling ball-and-chain'ish now, isn't he? ;)

[Hilly]

Oh my poor poor blog will never be the same yet you'll notice what is happening? Your readers are following you here and vice versa, except I haven't seen this much controversy in this blog since the other day when I asked about fat acceptance versus enabling.

And yes Adena, the tags....asshat!

[Karl]

Oooh, didn't even *think* about adding "asshat" as a tag!

[Foo Foo]

O.k, so let’s talk genital shaving w/Karl. I’m all for a shiny, shaved pole and b-sack (sans racing stripes and cheesy stencils) it leads to much more downage and less flossing. However, the stubble Les talks about - yah, pretty much like taking an orbital to your nether regions. Not fun, not pretty. The aftermath is very red and it burns like bring in the air tankers raging inferno bad, very bad. If you’re gonna shave, do it daily, or as often as you plan on getting a piece. “Making Love” for all the dreamers out there.

My esthetician (aka wax bizsnatch) says she’s seeing an increase in male clients. Sadly, she waxes more back than ass. Um eww...if you have the back jazz going on, wax on, wax off., run for your life Charlie Brown.. Have you thought of hair beads for the ear ropes? I hear their hot in the O.C.

[Karl]

Foo Foo - I cannot imagine waxing down there. Yikes. Are you saying you prefer waxed asses, as well? Are you all for the men being bald from the neck down? You so kinky. Me love you long time. ;)

[adena]

Well, I don't know as I'd like bald from the neck down...but, if the female gorillas at the local zoo start up a mating ritual when they see you, MAYBE it's time to look into some hair removal.

[Karl]

Adena - Well, how could they NOT start up a mating ritual? Look at me, I'm fucking gorgeous!

[Hilly]

Okay now that I am awake, yes it is noon and the original shock of this has worn off, I guess I should answer the question, Claire.

My own vajayjay or hoo-ha, as I like to call it, is neat and trimmalicious. I don't believe in extra hair down there because as someone else said, stank factor.

I am not going to reveal my husband's life on the blogosphere but let's just say he is neat as well.

It takes little effort to shave the arena.

What the hell is hair beads? For something so big in the OC, why have I not heard of this shizzle rizzle?

[Foo Foo]

My wax bizsnatch prefers ass waxing to back waxing, the actual process...never been with a hair free ass, so I can't say if it's money or not. I'm all for shaving or waxing, doesn't matter as long as you stay smooth. It's more maintenance work on the shave side, but it really does make oral much more pleasurable for both sides. Less Chewbacca for teh w!n.

[Karl]

Hilly - I'm just giddily surprised that I can still shock you after all this time. You're so cute. Does Mr. Snackie know that you're outing his "neatness?"

Foo Foo - Well, you've nearly got me convinced that I should be waxing. But that chest-waxing scene from "The 40 Year Old Virgin" has got me spooked.

[Hilly]

Kath you have used w00t and "teh" all in one day; must...feel...forehead. I cannot imagine ass waxing being pleasant; I'd be like handing my client a loofah and telling them to go scrub with Dial first, thanks. Apparently according to Shawn I have a little patch of hair on my lower back (had no idea) not Chewie like but still, I'm gonna go get it waxed fo sho.

Karl - I think if I were online saying Mr. Snackie was anything BUT meticulous, he'd have a problem. I am lucky in the fact that I have a man that is very much into hygeine. I see this women with their grosso hubbies on talk shows (not Oprah) and wonder how they do it!

[Kyra]

LOL you guys! :)

Karl, oh yes definetly feeling ball-and-chainish now... but then again, I was always a girl for chains. :)

And everyone should have at least one waxing experience that they can liken to childbirth. I say go for it! :) Make for an excellent blog entry for your readers, dontcha think? ;)

(Hilly, he really outdid himself for your blog...LOL ;)

[Hilly]

Dear God -

Let this be one of the days that Mr. Snackie does not read the blog. Thusly if he does, more shennanigans are sure to ensue as this topic would probably amuse him.

Amen.

Kyra - I know, right? I feel for those who heard this was a great place to hear tales of weight loss land!

[Hilly]

Yanno, not to nag but re-reading this, I cannot believe your warning did not contain a bit more than what it does, heh.

[Mr. Snackie]

In the words of Stewie...

"Don't forget the taint."

[Hilly]

An A++ comment by my husband, thank you!

[Karl]

Kyra - I aim to please, for the most part. Tell you what, I'll go through with the wax job if you administer the waxing. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Hilly - yeah, Roddy Pine picked a hell of a day to come visit. You noticed he was the 1st comment here, yeah? May never hear from him again. And what else would you like to have seen for a warning?

[Kyra]

LMAO *waving at Mr. Snackie* I'm actually reading the main blog post to DH now too. ;)

[Karl]

Mr. Snackie, everyone, Mr. Snackie!

[Kyra]

Ha! I'm always game for administering a bit of torture. I'm also willing to bet the readers of both blogs would pony up to see photos. :)

[Karl]

Hmmm, money to be made.

[ellie]

Am I the only one who almost DIED from a BW? (see
pinkadelic.typepad.com/body/2003/12/im_stuck_on_the.html

I'll take the razor on my hoo-hoo any day over that torture thankyouverymuch. As for geezer hairs (the ones that appear in your ears and nose)not to worry. You're not getting hairier. The hairs are migrating. That's why men go bald.

You had fun over here, dintcha? This blog-swap thing is sure to lead to a 3-way. Heh.

[Karl]

Ellie - well, you're certainly the only person that nearly died from a BW between the two of us. I'm not likely to go bald up top. Still have a full head of hair.

And yeah, this was fun. A 3-way, well, that might be TOO much fun. ;)

[ms. sizzle]

i think a trim is necessary if you want to look like you care about getting any play "down there."

i once dated a fella who shaved his groin but was a hairy beast in every other area. i once heard a comedian refer to that phenomenon as a "garbage pail fire".

;) sizz

[SJ]

Waxing is MUCH less agonizing than shaving your nethers! I even did a list of why I'll NEVER apply razor to cootch again: http://www.listaholic.com/2004/02/ten-reasons-why-shaving- brazilian-is.html

And as mentioned in said list, we women also appreciate having a clean workspace.

This post & comments probably set a record for "most euphemisms used in a single blogpost"!

[Karl]

Siz - ha, garbage pail fire. There's one I haven't heard. Perfect.

SJ - Wow, I KNEW I was on to a hot topic! All these hidden posts are coming out of the woodwork. Well, I didn't know about them before so it's almost the same as them being hidden in the woodwork.