Snackie's World

Moving Day!

Most of you should have had a seamless transfer to the new WordPress version of Snackie's World...erm, in fact those that did probably won't see this!

However...some of you have been around a long time.
You probably still have the snackiepoo.typepad.com URL on your blogroll and the old feed in your feedreader because you never changed it back when I went all "domain" on your ass!

So here is what you need to know....

1.) My site's official URL is: www.snackiepoo.com
2.) The proper feed to use in your readers is: http://feeds.feedburner.com/snackiepoo

Pretty much every link is broken here...so yeah, gonna self-destruct soon.  So...ditch this zero and get with the hero...see you over there!

One Last Kiss,
Hilly

Song For The Dumped....

We can't keep on like this.  Clearly one of us is more in love than the other and it's just not fair anymore. I've tried to be patient; I've tried to understand your ever changing tides; I even ignored it when you overhauled your whole being (and therefore mine) without even telling me about it.  I've remained faithful no matter how hard it was not to stray.  We all know that I'm easily distracted by shiny things but I stayed loyal because that's the kind of girl I am.

While we're at it, let's not even talk about how my friends feel about you.  It's not that they hate you or even truly dislike  you.  In fact you've been called "cute" and "reliable".  It's just that they know that there is so much more for me out there and they want me to have something better and all that goes with it.  They know that I've been "settling" and as a result, no one's needs are getting met.  Sorry to be blunt but....you're not good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it, people don't like you.

I remember trying to leave you once before.  It's like you put a hex on me that completely made me think that I was too dumb to know any better.  You put me down just to pick me back up and that's just not okay.  But when I realized that I'm just not that into you anymore, the choice was easy.  Sure, I was worried that you'd be hurt because I know you still love me more than words yet I now remain ambivalent.  I've decided to go...my bags are packed and I have someone who is willing to pick me up and drive me to my new destination.

There may be blankness for a few days as I switch my life and things might get a little messed up around here, but that's how it always is. The best things in life often stem from the messiest situations...you just have to find the fortitude to make it through to the other side. And I'm willing to take that chance.  I'm willing to close my eyes and just....jump.

So with this note, I bid you adieu, my once beloved TypePad.  It's been a real gas!  I've learned a lot from you but I honestly believe that I've outgrown our relationship.  I need something more and my new guy, WordPress, seems like he has exactly what I'm looking for.  So while I'm a bit freaked out about leaving the tool I know, there's always excitement in finding a bigger and better tool with which to spend my lonely days and nights.

Now if you'll please give me back my $14.95 per month.  That's right...just leave it on the dresser as you walk out the door.  I'll be walking the other way and never looking back.

Sincerely,
Hilly, Who Finally Will Be Rocking WordPress

Uh, Did I Actually Just Turn That Frown Upside Down?

PLEASE DON'T FORGET...Vahid from Iron Fist is on Snackie Radio this Sunday!  Go here to submit questions and get all of the details!

You know how we're all very quick to dish out advice that we don't take ourselves?  Yeah, well I was a glaring portrayal of that cliché yesterday and while it sucked, it also taught me something very important about myself.  I seem to be all about "the lessons learned" lately but hey, if I'm in an emotional growth stage of my life, better not pull the plug on it quite just yet.

A friend mentioned that going through old pictures, to a time when this person was thinner, was a really hard thing to do.  I agreed that it's sometimes gut wrenching.  You sit back, look at how things used to be and inevitably start wondering where it it all went to shit and how you allowed yourself to take such poor care of your temple (that's "your body" for those of you not attending Camp Metaphor this summer).  So my answer at the time was, "well I just don't do it.  I don't look back at those pictures and try to move forward".

What a crock of shit.

I mean, what I said was true but the crock of shit is what was happening internally at the time.  Without even realizing it, my brain and the ashamed part of my psyche were busy pulling the wool over my eyes, allowing me to open my umbrella-ella-ella and shield myself from reality.  (Again, I am high on metaphor juice today).  The only reason I know this is because somewhere in the dark of night, after a few margaritas, I decided to look for my old online photo album and bam, boom, wowsa!  There she was....beautiful Hilly.  You know, the one from 50 pounds ago and who was actually happy in life?  Yeah, that one.  Because clearly there's no way that I can be beautiful now with all of these imperfections.  Nuh-uh, it'd be a shame to love something as hideous as this!

In case you didn't get it, I'm being sarcastic.  As I spent a moment with that knife of failure gouged into my gut, I started to realize that it doesn't matter what that Hilly looked like.  I mean let's face it, that life doesn't really exist in the same manner anyway.  That was then, this is now.  I started to twist my brain, although it was hard, and look at things in a different way.  I miss my cheekbones being so prominent and want them back.  I'd like my thinner neck back too, please.  I want to see the hourglass (even if it is a "curvalicious" one) when I put on my cute clothes and look in the mirror.  But mostly, I want that glow back...the healthy one that might also have something to do with being happy with myself.  And for once, I am not just sitting here talking about it, but doing it.

In a few minutes I leave for my first JC weigh in.  I twatted that I was nervous about it but the more I sit here, the more I feel okay inside and you know..."que sera sera" and all that.  I'm going to do other things later on today that will also lead to the "Hilly is going to live a fucking awesome life" portion of our program.  Cleaning out, moving forward and getting shit done.

Diet Coke With Cherry Vanilla And Chocolate Kisses.
Me

Girl Dancin' Down Those Dirty And Dusty Trails.....

Let's pretend that you're about to go through a major life change.  As a result of this change, your life is pretty much free to be lived however and wherever you want it to.  You can roll like a tumbleweed for maybe a moment or two but eventually?  You need to settle your ass down.

Where would you live?  Would you move to a place where you have family, even though they're not exactly thrilled with you at the moment?  Would you go where you have lots of friends with open arms, lots of laughter and hugs to last a lifetime?  Would you just open a map, point, and go to some random spot?  Do you think practically or do you, for once, through the restraints of practicality out of the window and start living your life exactly the way you want to and where you want to?

I'd love to know what *you* would do....yanno, hypothetically.

Bustin' Boundaries Kisses,
Me

What's So Amazing About Really Deep Thoughts?

As I was leaving work yesterday, my boss asked what I was doing this weekend.  Sometimes I detest it when people who always have exciting weekend plans ask me what *I* am doing.  Oh sure yes, you are going snowboarding and river rafting this weekend?  Me, I'll be at home logged on to radio shows all day Sunday while eating cupcakes, thanks.  But he asked, so I told him the truth....

"Oh, you know", I said, "taking care of projects around the house and catching up on household improvements".

The thing about that is..."projects" is a code word for "attempting to whittle down my DVR" and "household improvements" is code for "wading through the suitcases I've not unpacked yet and the piles and piles of laundry I've not touched in weeks".  Seriously, there is laundry strewn out on every level of this place and my kitchen?  Holy hell, it's squalor.  You may not know this about me, but I don't do well in messy living spaces.  In fact, it sort of skeeves me out a little bit to be surrounded by junk...not *funk*,  mind you....just clutter and clothes.  It used to be that I would come home and immediately make sure the house was pristine.  Why?  Because I could not relax if anything was out of place.  Hi, OCD much?  Of course these days, I'm giving obsessive compulsives a totally bad name.

My problem today, right this minute, this second....I have not had a weekend at home for awhile and I am starting to lose my composure.  I need some time to decompress and I fully intend to take advantage of the fact that this weekend is really and truly all about Hilly.  Now then, while you may think that two weekends of hot drunken madcap action is also all about Hilly, well....yes, yes it is.  However that's a whole other side of me...the more public side.  The duality of my personality is that I love routine.  I don't know if it stems from having anxiety disorder or is just a random fact of my life, but I thrive on my little routine.  Sure, time after time I add and subtract elements from that routine but basically I need a little rigidity to make it through my days (TWKS).

So because I've been doing some other things at night (which are pretty much now my new routine because they're all good things), I've actually lagged on my teevee watching.  Quick, grab the thermometer again and get yourself to the fainting chair...I've honestly watched maybe 4 hours of teevee in two weeks.  Do you know how *little* that is for me?  The scary thing is that I'm pretty much okay with it.  Hell, I found out who won Survivor, America's Next Top Model and The Bachelor by asking other people to recount the shows to me...I just don't care to watch crap to fill my time anymore.  Wait, who said that?

So this weekend, I get back to my old routine while incorporating my new one.  Saturday will be filled with lots of hot, dirty laundry action as well as finally unpacking my suitcase.  I plan on clearing the *good* shows off of my DVR by watching them and just plain deleting the crap I no longer have use for.  Sunday will be a day of total rest and relaxation until the radio rock block begins.   I will make the official "Guide to Sunday Radio" post tomorrow but just so you know....I somehow managed to sucker Avitable into being my guest star this week on Snackie Radio!!!  I cannot *wait* to see how crazy this show gets (especially since I bet Britty Lurlene shows up).  So yeah, good times....

Would you hate it if I asked what YOU are doing this weekend?  Cause you can totally tell me if you want to but if you're anything like me, you may not want to answer (especially if it involves more ass time than action time).  Either way, I hope it is a good one for all!  I'll me maxing & relaxing while couching & slouching.

Michael Scott Kisses,
Me

Strange Little Girl, Where Are You Going?

Lately I've been feeling beautiful.

Nothing has changed....no drastic weight loss, no plastic surgery (not that I want it), no new miracle hairdo, nothing.  I made myself the promise at the beginning of the week to knock my shit off and try to not only do things to move forward with life but also to look at things differently.  Truth be told, half of me wondered if I could pull it of but luckily the determined half seems to be winning the race.  That in itself may be more of a shocker than the fact that I feel pretty inside and out.

But seriously, I've been thinking about this a lot.  So many of us wait until that one thing about ourselves that we hate gets fixed before we allow ourselves to feel beautiful.  I'm almost beginning to think that it's the ugliness inside that shrouds our souls much more than the imperfections outside.  While it's true that we may have that something about us that never is quite right, it's how we deal with it that makes all the difference.

When I was a teenager, I wore shirts that looked like cloth boxes....anything that was big enough to "hide my fat".  Because yanno....clearly that works.  I walked with my head down and remember being timid whenever pretty people came around.  As it is in most our our high school years, the self-conscious nag inside of me was at its all time best, constantly telling me that as I walked down the hall, everyone was thinking about (and mocking) just how fat I was.  Oh and, I was a size 12 then....just so we put this in relative terms.

As an adult, I've swayed back and forth between accepting the part of me that is beautiful and trying to hide behind the mask of fat that protects me from every getting too close or too hurt.  It's not this big conscious thing where I feel I don't lose weight because I am afraid or anything like that.  It's more like the weight is a catalyst which deems whether or not I am allowed to love myself.  It's sick and it's wrong. 

A comment was made behind my back about the fact that I think I am so cute, wearing my "boobie shirts" and flitting around like I am something special.  For a moment, it bothered me...but only for a moment.  I had to realize that the person who made this comment had no idea where I come from.  She has no idea about the daily internal struggles that hopefully lead to the self-confidence to shake what God made me and do it with pride.  Have I mentioned that I'm somehow much more forgiving of asstardery than I have been in the past as well?  Quick, someone grab a thermometer.

There was a point here that somehow got lost in descriptives....

Oh yes....lately I've been feeling beautiful.  I do my hair and my makeup, look in the mirror and actually think, "you're quite pretty today".  I've been walking with my head held high, wearing my cute clothes and smiling at every stranger that passes me.  It doesn't even matter what I look like to others on the outside; it's what I look like to myself on the inside.  The part of me that is strong and confident is winning for the first time in a very very very long time.  She's done being bitch slapped into submission.  All she wants is to shine.

Hellbitch Deathbringer Kisses,
Me

The Woman In The Iron Mask....

I woke up this morning and realized that I don't even know who I am.  Yet again.

It's not like this is such the revelation anymore as it seems that lately, as I shed my skin, new parts of me arrive and I have to figure out how exactly to make it all work.  Part of me sits with my foot dangling in a pool of leafy water very well knowing that there is no way in hell I will go back in.  I have no idea why...but I can't seem to take my foot out of that water.  Okay maybe I do know why...maybe what one knows is much easier than the unknown.  I mean, duh....of course it is.

Some things are easy....I woke up and thought, "Wow I really don't like that I accidentally said this and that yesterday so I need to watch myself even when drinking".  The easy solution to that is to not drink so fucking much when out of town having fun or to really get a grip on what I say.  I'll tell you this honest factoid...half of the time I'm probably saying stuff just to be cute and yet it comes out all fucked up anyway.  I must remember that I am not that cute all of the time ;).  I know someone thinks that my solution to this whole paragraph would be just to not drink but...have you met me?

Along with easy things come the harder ones....parts of my soul whisper softly to me that going away again, on a retreat, just solidified all of the same stuff that I've been mulling over for the last year.  I don't want to go on and on about the stuff because it's tired and has been hashed over more times that breakfast potatoes.  It's about the stagnancy of dreaming about what I want to do in my head versus actually doing it.  Of course, constantly rehashing my stagnancy is the ironic part in all of this. 

I guess I am just saying that I realize that over the last year or so, I've been lamenting and talking about the same crap over and over.  I also realize that you all have put up with me without constantly just shaking me and telling me to stop whining and do something already.  I know, I know...you all *thought* it but were kind enough not to say so ;).  So as of today, I am making myself a promise that I'd like everyone else to witness.

I'm going to fix things.  I'm going to do it one step at a time, however things are going to change.  I'm starting on the inside and hoping that works its way out as well.  Today's change is realizing that I can only talk about stuff so much before it becomes imperative for me to do something lest I let my life pass me by while not living it.  I'm calling myself to action by giving myself the proverbial bitch slap that I need.

I don't know what this all means or where this all leads but I am finally willing to suck it up, feel the fear and move the hell forward.

Won't You Be My Neighbor Kisses,
Me

Pretty Soon This Will Be In The Past....

I have a friend who's really into having these existential conversations and although sometimes it can be interesting, it's generally not.  Like earlier this week when she said, "Wow...so much hoopla over an event that will be over faster than it occurs."  I'm still not quite sure how the hell that's possible but erm, I caught her drift.  That's the thing about life though....sometimes having things to look forward to for awhile is what makes everything so damned exciting.  I've never been capable of being matter-of-fact about big trips or events and I'm okay with that!

In case you haven't heard, it's TequilaCon weekend and by the time you read this, I will be on a plane zooming from one coast to another, hopefully lost in a book or sleeping.  My flight leaves at 6:45 AM, which means that I have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn in order to get to the airport on time.  I see a lot of Starbucks in my future.  I'm hoping that the day starts off with as much peace and tranquility that I've had over the last week.  Sure, there have been moments where people have pissed me off but the really important thing that I want to talk about is that I've not been pissed off at *myself*.

That's right...I let it all go.  I decided that belaboring things that were not going to change immediately was just making it harder for me to actually change them.  Something about not seeing the forest for the trees of some such bullshit.  When I went clothes shopping the other day, it wasn't just the usual episode of me thinking over and over again that I hated myself and my body and becoming pissy because nothing looked right.  I actually had a lot of success finding cute stuff and I wonder if half of that was my attitude allowing some goodness in.  Yesterday as I sat in the pedicure chair, I wasn't annoyed, which I usually am.  I have a hard time sitting still so pedicures, although they produce a wonderful resort, are torture for me normally.  But yesterday I was thankful to be there...grateful to have a port in the storm that was my busy day and super happy to be able to clear my mind.  I realized that when I used to get them all the time, I lost appreciation for them because it was more like a chore than a treat.  In those moments I realized the biggest revelation of all....

In the last year, due to stuff with my marriage and money, I've been knocked down quite a few pegs and humbled greatly.  It's not as if I'd been some snotty ass person before but well, everything seemed easy.  However, with humbleness comes a whole new appreciation for everything taken advantage of in the past.  I love seeing thing with new eyes.  I'm happy.  Wait, who said that? 

Oh right, it was this girl from TequilaCon 2007 (please see last year's collage-y picture so you'll know what sorts of hijinks to expect this year!):

So off I go to see some of the people who make me the happiest.  Off I go to be in a place where I feel safe and truly loved.  Off I go to let my guard down and just fucking be me.  I'll see you on the flip side where I am sure some lovely crazy stories will reside.  (Oooh, I am a poet!)  Holy fuckstick, I'm excited!!!   Let's see who I can get to lick me this year.....

If you want a blow by blow (that's what she said) of events as they are unfolding, you can follow me or subscribe to the RSS feed of my Twitter.

Tequila Kisses And Lemon Drop Hugs,
Me

Ummm Yeah....Way To Dream Big, Hil

Two years ago, I was waking up at 6:00 every morning, rushing to get ready and to work within an hour and a half, working until 6:00 at night, coming home, logging on to emails and working some more.  Work was making me a total stress case what with the understaffed department I was in and the inability for our HR Director to get me the help I needed.  I woke up with a sick stomach every morning, downed various cocktails of aspirin for my head and vicodin for my arm just to get through each day.  I had to commute 30 minutes each day, had to get gas all of the time, spent way too much money on work clothes and really wondered what the hell I was doing with myself.

This morning, I woke up with the sunshine...I don't set my alarm these days.  I sauntered down to the coffee pot, did my morning stretch and abs video workouts, decided to hop in the shower around 7:30ish.  I then threw on some jeans, a t-shirt and some tennis, decided not to do my hair and threw it up in a ponytail.  Then I sat down to my computer for a bit before driving all of 2.6 miles to my office.  Currently my boss is at his normal two hour lunch and by the time he gets back, I'll do a little somethin-somethin then go home around 3:00ish.

It's so odd but I finally found that whole work/life balance that people often talk about having.  While I was spending so much time going from job to job as a contractor, trying to find my niche, I gave up on finding that perfect fit.  After the last job fiasco with the crazies who wanted to police my every move, I was pretty much thinking that ANYTHING would be better.  Foo had always told me that I needed a job with lots of flexibility and not a lot of stress.  I always agreed with her but was like, "yeah, when pigs fly".

Pigs have flown, bitches!  This is the only time I will talk about my job so listen up, m'kay?  Besides the fact that I come in and work about 6 hours a day on a full time salary, get to wear jeans every day, get to play online as much as I want and all of that other stuff, I have a great boss.  He's totally flexible, easy-going, communicative and has a really great attitude about family.  Seriously, he called of a business trip because his son was going to be in a school play...now how cool is that?  It's just he and I in the office most days so we just shout back and forth between offices...let's just say that we are damned informal.  I love the fact that now work is just a part of my day and when it's done, I don't think about it until I am there the next day...not even in the morning really.   

Other than a real dream job, this is my dream job.  Haha, does that make sense?  Like my DREAM job would be curating a museum in France, owning a restaurant somewhere in Italy or being one of those people who picks out music for movies and TV shows...something like that anyway.  Oooh, if I was super talented I'd love to be a Broadway star too!  But as far as my realistic short-term goals go?  I found my fit!

Hey so, what is your dream job and and what type of a job do you have now....and uh, how do they compare?  Heh.

Happy Secretary's Day Kisses,
Me

Lord, I Was Born A Rambling Woman....

Tonight I am going to be Jester's guest on Jestertunes Radio.  The whole big shebang starts at 7pm Pacific/10pm Eastern.  I realize that it may be late for some of you East Coast folks to tune in the the craziness that will ensue, yet I hope you can definitely make it!  If the show last week (where his guest was Dave) is any indication, then I am probably in a shit load of trouble and should hide my secrets now!  Anyway, it will be nice to sit down and laugh for two hours tonight, that's for damned sure!

I am having one of those weeks where it seems like everything under the sun is scheduled.  The cat going to the vet, getting an eye examination, getting my teeth cleaned, getting a swank new haircut, going to the Orange County Sheriff's Department so that I can have them serve a subpoena to our former landlord.  Nothing like a glass of fresh squeezed subpoena with my morning bagel!

It really chaps my chooch that we've actually had to resort to taking our former landlord to small claims court.  It's been four months now since we moved out and we made every effort possible to resolve this matter with him in a civilized manner.  The problem isn't that he is disputing how much we get back and even if he was, it's too late because he forfeited that right by not returning anything to us within the 21-day grace period.  The problem apparently is that "things are tight".  And did I hear this from him?  No, I heard it from Cunty McWhoreface, the Demon Realtor of Irvine when I called her on another matter last month.  This is a man who owns five condos and drives around in a Lotus for crap's sake.  It's not that I doubt that he could be stretched a little thin but I am sure he has the fucking money somewhere to give us back our deposit (the whole thing too, thanks to CA Real Estate Law). 

Which leads me to one of my latest pet peeves....people doing things or NOT doing things just because they think that they can get away with them.  Just because you're somehow immune to ridicule or consequence doesn't mean that you should act like a terrible human being.  I come across this a lot when I am out and about....women drowned in diamonds and plastic surgery scars talking to a grocery store cashier as if she is the lowliest and stupidest person on the planet, businessmen who talk to their assistants sweet as honey then hang up the phone and call her a stupid fat cow to their colleagues, or just something as simple as a man shouting obscenities to another driver in front of a school while kids are present.  I see it on the Wide Wide World of Web a LOT of the time.  You hear people saying things like, "well it's MY blog and I will talk about whatever I want to here!"  It's like the Freedom of Blog act suddenly states that it's okay to be a total assjacket to others because hey, it's your space.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling....I usually don't write my posts first thing in the morning and after today, I think we all know why!

Jester Kisses,
Me

Returning To Blog Life, Peace by Peace....

When I quickly slapped a peace sign up on Saturday, I had no intention of it becoming the SnackiePeace Movement.  However, thanks mostly to Dave, the movement was born and it has been a delightful treat to see people across the blogosphere pimping their awesome peace signs.  If you missed the post on Saturday and/or have no idea what I'm talking about, go here.  I'll wait....

So, here's the thing.... that peace sign, that post, and the thoughts that flow just below the surface of it all are not about one person or one situation.  It's more my way of saying that we all need to calm the fuck down for a moment and embrace the good things in life.  Being angry at the world or at people that probably deserve it?  Well, that's easy.  However, it takes a real strength of character to walk away and refuse to play people's games.  The reality of a situation like that is that you will never win....not for yourself, anyway.  We're so conditioned to NOT put our fingers in our ears and sing "la-la-la-la" that we forget that sometimes it is actually okay to do so! 

We've all been around and we've all seen things that we wish we hadn't.  Whether it be highly unnecessary blog drama, personal drama, relationship drama or anything else that is downright hateful and hurtful, it's always hard to give peace a chance.  My problem is that I've got a superhero complex and turn into Captain Save-A-Friend more often than not.  I used to be able to justify my behavior regarding getting involved in dramatic situations because "I was doing it for a good cause".  It's funny to look back at the lies I've told myself so that I would feel like a better person all around.  It's a challenge to step back, throw your peace sign in the air, and stop defending people who either need to defend themselves or just walk away as well.

I've Got A Good Mind To Throw It All Away....

We talk about it behind closed doors all of the time.  There is mention of feeling forced to be creative even when the juices have stopped flowing.  Some people raise their hands and gently remind us all of the nasty comments and hate mail that sometimes plague them.  Others sit quietly, feeling unappreciated and unloved because no one comes over to their places and says hello.  And no matter what, there's the one Pollyanna in the room that reminds us of the good that shines through all of that darkness, making this all worthwhile.

Someone always tries to be a therapist....and I've finally learned that it's okay to be at my wits end with blogging.  I'm "allowed" to feel exasperated and at a loss for words.  Even those of us with what I call "the anecdotal eye" run out of ways to turn even a trip to the grocery store into an amazing story.  The therapist also piped up and said, "But you shouldn't worry about how well written your posts are if you are writing for yourself". 

But here's where *I* am...I write for myself and for others but no matter what I am writing, I'd like it to not suck, thanks.  I've probably got PMS or I'm probably just busy at work this week but I'm tired....writing in my blog seems more like a duty than anything else.  That's not ever how I wanted it to be.  I never wanted to groan because I "have to make a blog entry".  I never wanted to roll my eyes because suddenly people are mad at me or not talking to me simply because I dared to be myself.  I won't strip myself of the Technicolor and become black and white for anyone. 

I'm taking a break from writing in my blog...it could last a day or it could last a week; I honestly don't know.  This doesn't mean that I am hiding from all of you and want you to go away...I will still be on email and probably will still be reading blogs when I can.  I'm just putting blogging on the back shelf behind the other stuff like work, exercise and completing some various other projects.  The truth is that if I don't take this break, I will probably walk away for good.  I'm quite liberal with cancellations and delete buttons, as it's been pointed out.  I need to go spring clean myself so that I come back as alive and kicking as ever. 

No, this is not an April Fool's joke, btw!

Frou Frou Kisses.
Me

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What Dreams May Come...

Hi, my name is Hilly and I've got a serious problem.

"Hi Hilly."

Yeah, lately my dreams have been fucking me up.  Why?  Because they are so real that I can't remember what I did or did not say to someone!  While I'm trying to be somewhat amusing about the whole crazy issue, it's a wee bit frustrating.  Just the other day I gave Shawn hell for something that I was sure he said we'd do but... he never really said it!  He was genuinely a bit baffled when I got exasperated and indignant.  The nerve!

It's not like I'm some crazy Kookaburra swinging through the trees or anything like that so please refrain from emailing me the name of your psychiatrist.  I mean seriously, when I dream that I'm this hot skinny bitch of a rock star who marries then dumps Ryan Reynolds, I know that really didn't happen.  Sure, sometimes the dreams of flying are a little hazy but I muddle through what is and what is not reality ;).

It's just that lately my dreams are so fucking boring that they could be stuff that happens in real life.  So now, I'm having these nightly dreams of conversations that I need to have with people and I think my shit is handled.  Suddenly, days later, I've got somebody mad at me because I never got back to them.  And the even more fucked up part is that I'll wake up in the middle of the night to go pee, go back to sleep, and continue the same dream from where I left off.  Uhmmm, is that shit supposed to happen?

While I really am trying to offer a light-hearted romp into my own personal Krueger-free dream hell, I am kind of baffled as to why my dreams would be so close to my reality.  I mean shit, a month ago I was dreaming that drug smugglers kidnapped me and stuffed my anus full of little heroin balloons and the only way to get them out was to have vampires suck them out.  Then, of course, I turned into a vampore slayer and wiped them all out...all except Johan, my half-breed vampire/human lover that had known my soul through centuries.

You see what I mean?  I go from bat-shit crazy to weeks of me having conversations with people about everyday things.  I'm pretty sure someone needs to please dreamalyze me pronto tonto!

Five By Five Kisses,
Me

TUA:  It has come to my attention that the RSS Feeds for my blog are not working properly.  If you are subscribed to those, I suggest you use either the Atom feed or Feedburner feed instead!

Life Carries On As Normal Although You're Not Around...

My sister emailed me today to let me know that someone we went to private school with in the 8th grade passed away last month.  Don’t worry….I swear this post isn’t going to be all morose and shit!

It made me nostalgic for just a brief second then I moved on.  I sent a quick email to my sister with my one memory of the person who just passed away.  “Yeah, he was really sweet to me when Scott Cinnamon dumped me” is all I could think of to say.  It's not like I didn't have other moments with him or anything like that.  It's just....well, that was 25 (HOLY SHIT!) years ago and I've not really retained enough to wax poetic about anyone.  Please don't get me wrong here; I'm not overlooking the tragedy at all.  I guess that what I'm saying is that I've not kept close touch with anyone who meant anything to me in my formative years.

Free Your Mind And The Rest Will Follow....

A couple of weeks ago I made a post detailing why it is much better for me to think with my heart rather than my head.  So after letting that simmer around for a little bit, I made the much needed decision...heart for the win!  Great.  Fantastic.  All should have been well.

But uh, not so much.  There's this thing that happens when we become adults...we start to question ourselves and lose ourselves because we're very busy doing the right thing.  I'm not here to make a blanket statement that doing the right thing is indeed wrong.  What I am here to say is this:  if you are a person who instinctively follows that little twitch in your gut, stay with that!

Someone once commented on using their gut instead of either the head or heart.  I have to say that I use mine in direct correlation with those two.  But here's the thing...I turned it off for a bit and was just not listening to it.  I wanted to get over myself and push past discomfort levels.  I wanted to be more "mature" and pretend that nothing was nagging at me because I realize that everything and everyone has "quirks".  My gut kept telling me that a very cryptic something wasn't going to work no matter how much I wanted it to.  No matter how hard I dug my heels in with firm resolve, my inner workings were not going to change all that much on the subject at hand.

Sometimes things just don't fit.  It's not always the other person or situation either; I'm not here to play a blame game.  People are the way they are and you have a choice to bend and conform to their will, even though it really nags away at you every day OR you can choose to follow your gut and say, "You know, this just isn't working for me".  I'd rather everyone did that rather than lied about it, getting filled up on ulcers and resentment.

Today I am going with my gut.  I may live to regret it later for a moment or maybe two.  However in the end, when you make a decision then immediately breathe out and feel the weight of that decision completely leave your body, it's a good thing.  Ironically, going with my gut has brought immediate backlash as I am typing this but all in all, I have a better understanding of a lot of things now.

Yes, this is cryptic.  Yes, I have good reason which I may explain at a later date.  No, this is not about my marriage.

Crystal Clear Kisses,
Me

Say Goodbye To Hillywood....

Your ever-so charming hostess with some of the mostest?  She's turned into Snatcharella DeVille and would like to thank you for your patience and understanding in this matter. 

Le sigh.

So I'm sick with the snotty, coughy, sore throaty, pee my pants when I sneezy....flu.  It's no big deal because it's your garden variety flu, with a free side order of a fever and the shakes.  But for some reason, I've been able to find almost no sleep this time.  I did manage a nice nap yesterday afternoon but have been up coughing and changing my panties ever since.  Damn, that reminds me that I better start some laundry!

The thing that I hate about getting sick is that I'm no longer witty but just can't see it until it's too late.  You know how I always talk about things sliding from being sarcastically funny to being just plain bitchy and the fine line in between?  Uh yeah, I passed that line yesterday evening and did not even notice until this morning.  I made the most heinous comment over at Britt's place and then emailed something to someone that was uh, less than sweet.  The pathetic thing about it is that I was trying to be amusing and clever.  Steeerike!

On the flip side, other than being sick, I've no reason to feel pissy at all.  Work and the instilled sense of purpose have probably been fueling my desire to do better things for myself.  I mean, I finally went and got my hair did plus had a mani/pedi for the first time in like...ages.  And a little something-something else happened.  Many of you commented on how thin my face looked in the "she bangs" picture and I was chalking it up to the new haircut.  However, since I had not stepped on a scale since Januray 22nd, I decided to give it a whirl the other day.  And as usual, I stepped on with my eyes closed firmly behind my hands, then A LA PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES....I looked and had lost 9.2 pounds in three weeks!!!!  You know you're happy when you can do that without even trying!

So I guess my point, if I actually fucking have one, is that I'm really happy deep down inside but that my death plague is making me feel like a total cuntaholic, which rarely gains me friends and lovers to be sure.  But there are solutions...I have lots of good teevee to watch today cause last night I ended up reading a book and not stopping til I finished it.  Erm, and maybe I will drink a bit of caffeinated tea to make me perk up a little.  But mostly, I will go back and re-read all of the wonderful comments and posts from Self-Love Day because that is what truly makes my heart smile...seeing not only what others think of me but knowing that they were able to search and find something wonderful in themselves too.

Sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, suffy head, higher than a kite medicine kisses,
Me

PS - SPEAKING OF TEEVEE....I AM NOT CLOSING SNACKIE TEEVEE AFTER ALL, SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE RE-ADD TO YOUR FEED READERS!

She Bangs!

After six months of belaboring the issue....Hilly gets banged!!!

How We Touched And Went Our Separate Ways....

Before I get started on the meat and potatoes of this post, I just want to tell you that my comments are like sticky buns...once you post them, they apparently get all over my fingers until I wash off the sweetness and let it drip onto the page.  That's my idea of an awesome analogy for the fact that TypePad comments are the suck right now.  If you don't see it right away, it's still probably there!

I was reminded today of something...well someone and then something.  There's a man at work who I find to be adorable, but not in your traditional "hot business suit" way.  No, he's more of a slacks and shirt kind of guy who wears the black wool trench and cool shoes.  He's got dark hair and dark eyes, is extremely nice in a sort of non-ostentatious way...you know, unlike most people I know, he's got this quiet wit about him rather than full on goof-tard.  Today when we walked back from the deli, he was sitting on the curb in front of work silently sipping his coffee and reading a book.  I find that to be damned sexy.

Do We Not Sail On A Ship Of Fools?

I find that I'm getting so much more easy-going with every year that I age.  It's fascinating to sit back and replay my reactions to various things today versus what it would have been just six months ago.  For example, for some unholy reason our sales meetings are at 7am every Friday morning.  However, this was not conveyed to me during the interview process nor during my new-hire training.  Nay nay, it was brought up yesterday afternoon with a quick, "that's not going to be a problem, is it?".  That question, by the way?  Pretty much rhetorical, I'm sure.

I Am A Poster Girl With No Poster.....

Whenever I get a bit snarky and fed up with meanness,  I'm fond of telling the culprit that there's a huge difference between being witty and being a totally heinous bitch.  Because we all know that to be true, right?

It's a really hard balance to achieve and sometimes I feel as if I'm letting it slip away from me.  What if my tendency to always be sarcastic and funny is seen by someone else as me just being a pathetically bitch-assed whore?  I mean, I don't think that's me but what if it is and I just don't know it, yanno?  And then there's that saying...."sarcasm is the lowest form of humor".  Really?  *I* think there's quite a bit of cleverness mixed in with my sarcasm, creating what I like to call "snarkasm".  But I can see how someone who doesn't understand me might not love me so much.

I've thought about this a lot, can you tell?

For me, the difference between being witty and being a bitch is easy...it's in the intent.  Were I ever to purposely set out to be cruel and hurt someone's feelings, that would make me a snatchy-la-la for sure.  However, if I'm just joking around with my BFFs and other fine folk who like me, are very tongue-in-cheek, and someone gets offended?  Please just tell me rather than talk about me behind my back.  Chances are that I don't even know youve taken what I've said personally because honestly...I hang out with people whose senses of humor move a million miles a minute, which is even faster than mine.

I never laugh at anyone else's expense unless it is good natured ribbing or they deserve it (that's a joke, see?).   I don't set out to hurt anyone and if I do, I like to immediately apologize.  And most of my sarcastic remarks are highly self-deprecating.  Okay then, check check check.

This post is serving as a moral inventory of sorts because someone called me heartless earlier.  Me?  Heartless?  Tell me if I'm wrong but I don't think that's me at all.  It kind of makes you sit down and question yourself for a moment when someone says something like this to you.

Then again, one has to consider the source.

My Heart Is A Marshmallow Kiss,
Me

Snackology II: What's New In Hilly's Real World For 2008!

Last week I started my "Snackology 2008: What's New?" series yet have failed to come through on the other two parts for you and uh....for myself.  But you know, just like greatness, you cannot rush listing the things you wish to change.  Hell, imagine how long it's going to take to actually *implement* the changes....sheesh!

Any-freaking-way, in case you were sleeping in class last week or you know, vacationing with your families or whatever...let me explain what I am doing.  I am basically breaking my life down into various sections and outlining  my intentions, wishes, dreams and fucked up thoughts for the new year!  And how about today we touch on some of what will be new in my real world and like...real soon.

Snackology: What's New In Hilly's Net World For 2008!

Phew, Christmas is over and this goosey got a little fat....time to strap on the Nike's and head to the gym all week!  All in all though, it was a lovely Christmas.  In fact, it was far more wondrous than I thought it would be given the events and tone of the past year.  I got some amazing presents, one of which I am using right now.  I also cooked a huge fantabulous dinner with all the bells and whistles, drank a lot of booze (shocker, I know), watched The Simpsons Movie and Knocked Up, and had Scene It? Battle Royales with friends and family.  Like I said, good times.

But now it's time for me to turn my focus to the present/future.  I've had a few days of very limited net time and it's really opened my eyes to some things that I want to accomplish and/or change starting today.  No no, they are not New Years Resolutions as I don't believe in only changing once a year....they are more like thoughts that have been brewing for awhile and are ready to come out and say hello to all of YOU!

So today begins my "Snackology 2008: What's New?" series.  Over the next few days, I will touch on various categories of my being by listing my intentions, wishes, dreams and fucked up thoughts!  So let's begin shall we?  Today we shall talk about what's new for me with regard to blogging and stuff like that.